My nipple is on Facebook.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...