my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?