dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dick very happy bro
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
