What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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