woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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