i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
