if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
