the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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