We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
