Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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