I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
