3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I will pee on everything he values.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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