Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
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I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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