My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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