I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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