Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
