lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
