Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
