I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
