I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
