Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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