she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
