just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
