can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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