We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
