Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
