i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
