one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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