I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
