As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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