Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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