She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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