I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
