her vagina looked like bernie madoff
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
