i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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