Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
