I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
