Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
