so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
