in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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