chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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