He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
