you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
