I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He better not be in your backpack
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
