I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
