I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
