i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
