My hand turned me down
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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