Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
