he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
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Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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