I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
