I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
