I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
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I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.