She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.