On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
