saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
