the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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